7 Communication Skills to Build Connection and Resolve Conflict
2-minute read
When asked, "What brings you into couples therapy today?" the most common response is "communication." And so begins the process of exploring what communication means to each partner and the relationship they share. For many couples, communication issues lead to feelings of pain and disconnection.
Below are three common issues couples face and corresponding techniques therapists can introduce to foster better communication.
1. Communication Ending in Conflict
Sabrina and Taylor describe themselves as a couple who "love big—and fight bigger." Their arguments have left them feeling alone and discouraged. Therapy revealed two major communication issues: moving too quickly during conversations and focusing more on the therapist than on each other.
Communication Skills to Resolve Conflict:
Skill #1: Slow Down to Reduce Communication Errors.Moving too fast often leads to miscommunication. Slowing down allows couples to fully process their partner’s words and nonverbal cues. Consider slowing your pace by 50-75%.
Skill #2: Position Yourself Face-to-Face.Direct eye contact fosters connection and helps couples tailor their communication based on their partner’s responses. It also allows for partners to read the shifts and changes in their partner moment to moment. What do the shifts mean? Is your partner getting tense? Are you seeing a shift toward relaxation? And the emotions that follow these shifts are also most observable when you are in close proximity and eye-to-eye.
Additional Tips for Repairing Conflict:Couples often lack safeguards for managing conflict. Agreements like avoiding harsh words and repairing disagreements quickly (within an hour, if possible) can reduce stress and prevent long-term resentment. If a couple doesn't agree upon some ground rules for how they will engage when they are under pressure or in a conflict then they will resort to doing what is in their own self interests to protect themselves. This dynamic is costly to the relationship. It can be very difficult to move forward when harsh words have been said because these are remembered. It’s better to protect the relationship by deciding to not allow it.
2. Communication That Doesn't Lead to Progress
Francine and Gil feel stuck. Francine believes their conversations go nowhere, while Gil feels blamed after every discussion. Therapy revealed two key issues: exhaustion from prolonged arguments and a lack of focus in their conversations.
Communication Skills for Forward Momentum:
Skill #3: Set Standards for Manner of Interaction.Agreeing on respectful and constructive ways to communicate can prevent conversations from devolving into unproductive sparring. Agree to limit difficult conversations to just a few minutes. Then, contain it and commit to return to it. Think of it as a way of solving the problem in shorter incremental conversations. This strategy places less pressure on both partners. This skill of moving into difficulty together and then being able to contain it and move into something easier serves couples well. Both partners will have to plan for how they will share the role of returning to the difficult conversation and when that will occur.
Skill #4: Focus on the Relationship, Not Just the Problem.Shift from blaming each other to seeing challenges as joint problems to solve together. It’s much harder to consider your own role in the problem versus focusing on your partner. And, it’s even better to change the lens completely to what is the problem we are both facing? By framing it differently, the focus shifts to the couple’s shared journey and to each partner’s responsibility in being a problem solver, or decision maker. This is a shared responsibility that requires a completely different skill set. It’s easier to blame and complain but it doesn’t result in any growth or change. Instead, it simply makes the relationship far less safe for both partners.
3. Communication That Has Stopped Altogether
Sue and Todd’s busy lives have caused them to drift apart. Though they share fond memories of raising their children, they have stopped creating new shared experiences. Therapy focused on rebuilding their friendship and finding meaningful ways to reconnect.
Communication Skills to Reignite Connection:
Skill #5: Create Daily Rituals for Shared Experiences.Simple actions, like chatting over morning coffee or taking a walk after dinner, can rebuild intimacy and friendship. Societies that lean into traditions and rituals benefit from the bonding around regularly scheduled, meaningful interactions that can be anticipated in advance and savored long afterward. Couples benefit from these rituals as well.
Skill#6: Do Something New.
Consider trying a different restaurant, walking a different path, visiting a new museum exhibit, listening to a new song. It may seem inconsequential but the brain loves novelty and finding fresh, new experiences that you both can enjoy together can give the relationship a boost.
Conclusion:Communication is the cornerstone of any relationship. Couples benefit greatly from understanding their partner’s unique perspective on communication, as well as developing the skills to connect more effectively. These techniques can help couples tackle challenges, make decisions, and rediscover the joy of learning about each other. It can also help couples to shift the conversation from what is best for me to what is best for us.
If you are interested in improving your communication skills, please feel free to contact me for an initial consultation at no cost